


The Scarecrow's Secret

by SweetBunnii



Series: Ninja Husbands [4]
Category: Naruto
Genre: (especially gai im so sorry), (im not saying it but asuka totally has a praise kink), Anxiety, Bakery, Bottom Suzuki Asuka (OMC), Bunnies, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, F/M, Gay Panic, Gen, Kekkei Genkai | Bloodline Limit, M/M, Mentioned Senju Nawaki/Suzuki Toshiko (OFC), Mutual Pining, Nightmares, Ninja husbands, Ninken | Ninja Dogs, Panic Attacks, Protective Hatake Kakashi, Sexual Content, Social Anxiety, Some Characters Will Be OoC, Suicidal Thoughts, Talking to animals, Top Hatake Kakashi, background Sarutobi Asuma/Yuuhi Kurenai - Freeform, mild slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:07:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 18,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26128519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetBunnii/pseuds/SweetBunnii
Summary: |  "Are you sleeping standing up?" Kakashi's voice cuts through the quiet air suddenly and Asuka flinches in shock, twisting around to look at the man."N-No, just thinking about how talking to spiders makes me feel insane," he replies, exhaling shudderingly to steel himself for what he's about to suggest, "can we go to a restaurant tonight?"The words themselves leave his mouth fumbled and rushed and he'd honestly be surprised if Kakashi understood any of it. Judging by the way the man blinks at him in shock, he'd say he caught all of it."You actually want to leave the house?" Kakashi asks incredulously, expression openly surprised with his mask down."Gotta do it eventually." Asuka shrugs, swallowing thickly at the panic crawling up his chest and into his throat.  |
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Original Male Character(s), Hatake Kakashi/Suzuki Asuka (OMC), Maito Gai & Suzuki Asuka (OMC)
Series: Ninja Husbands [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1886836
Comments: 13
Kudos: 76





	1. disclaimer

i probably sound like i'm repeating myself because the tags already mention this, but i do want to give anyone who reads this a fair warning of what's in this book.

this book involves mentions of anxiety, depression, severe/minor panic attacks, weight issues (although mostly unrelated to EDs), thoughts of suicide and self-harm, consensual sexual content, swearing, vomiting, sickness/illness, and blood and gore.

most of what i've written about depression, self-harm, anxiety and panic attacks is based off of my personal experience in dealing with them. obviously, everyone experiences them differently.

in reference to the weight issues, again, i am going off of personal experience and what i imagine my character would be going through alongside his illnesses. i do not, in any way, endorse anyone to consider starving themselves or binging and purging. it is not a healthy way to try to feel good about yourself and will turn into an addiction.

lastly, as i personally do not enjoy reading stories with suicide-related content because it can trigger me, i will try not to put much of it in the book. a lot of what i write is affected by my mood at the time of writing, so i can't promise anything. it is not in my plan, i guess you could say, to trigger anyone into entertaining the thought of suicide. as such, it will hopefully not be referred to very often.

this is also a book based around a homosexual relationship. (although i highly doubt this) if that does not interest you, that's okay, but please do not write anything homophobic in the comments; that would be appreciated. if it does interest you, welcome, and i hope you enjoy my writing. that said, there will be masturbation and anal sex at some point. anything sexual is consensual and of-age.

warnings will be put in the author's notes at the beginning of the chapter for those who would like to know what's going on, in the case of sexual content or something that could be possibly triggering for some.

also, side note, there are characters that are out of character, but it's mostly because i'm not confident i can write them well enough in character (so, i apologize to gai fans because he's very ooc).


	2. the scarecrow and his shut-in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains anxiety and panic attacks

Sun shines through the windows of their home, shimmering against the plethora of plants nearby. It's a warm day, but Asuka still finds himself wrapped in one of Kakashi's thicker sweatshirts and two blankets. He's curled up in the sunny patch on the couch, face flushed with obvious fever and oat coloured hair plastered to his forehead, curling. It's not tied back in its usual ponytail, instead messily haloing the pillow beneath his head. Yasu's fast asleep under the blankets, cradled against his unsteady chest, heaving with every wheezing breath he takes. She's also warm, small body quaking with her own naturally rapid breathing that comes with being a rabbit. Asuka fiddles with her lopped ears gently, blinking in exhaustion. He's waiting for sleep to overtake him, just like it has with her.

It makes him wish silently that Kakashi were here to pet his hair, as he does on the occasion that Asuka can't seem to find sleep. More often than not, the younger man doesn't sleep whenever Kakashi is away on missions. Maybe it's the discomfort in knowing that there's a possibility his friend won't return one day. Except, today is different, because Kakashi _will_ return, and he knows that like it's the most obvious thing in the world. His mission can hardly even be called that, because Asuka's been told that all he's doing is meeting his Genin team. Asuka can't help being the smallest bit jealous that Kakashi has no qualms leaving the house. Here he is, not even able to step foot into their overgrown, weed-filled _garden_ without panicking. He's always known, with some reluctance, that the Hokage's words would come bite him in the ass one day.

The ex-shinobi frowns, feeling disgruntled that the Hokage had basically told the future. _Staying at home will do you no good in the long run, dear child,_ he'd said, pipe between his lips as usual, _you will find that it will be harder to leave than it is now_. He remembers those words oh-so-clearly, despite being told them just over fourteen years ago, when he'd first decided he wanted to stop being a shinobi, stop being in the ANBU. At least Kakashi had forced his way into his life years earlier and convinced him to move in before he became a total recluse. They'd been each other's company for so long that Asuka's just starting to see the effects of that sort of friendship, slowly and surely creeping into something more romantic. It kind of sucks, if he thinks about it long enough, because as far as he's concerned, Kakashi doesn't even want a relationship, let alone one with his best friend.

Asuka coughs, and it sounds like he's dying, wheezing and painful. He wonders if Kakashi will check up on his bakery before coming home, to see if Miku and Souma are doing alright. Then, he wonders why he even bought a bakery in the first place, since he can barely leave the front door without getting a little hysterical. Clones won't always work for everything and he'll eventually have to leave the house. Perhaps it would be easier if Kakashi and Yasu were with him. They both comfort him greatly, and Yasu loves being held and cuddled. Asuka closes the book he hadn't been reading for the past hour and tosses it onto the coffee table when he hears the front door open. There's some shuffling in the foyer as Kakashi takes his sandals, bandages and flak vest off.

He shuffles into view, mask hanging around his neck loosely and Icha Icha book lazily in hand. His expression is set in that bland look it generally is, like he has no care in world. Asuka silently watches him shuffle to the kitchen, just opposite to the living room, and grab one of the pastries he'd baked before he got sick. It's almost rewarding, in the way that Kakashi hums around the taste of it, prominent in the quiet of the house.

"You should be sleeping," he greets busily, carefully stuffing his book into the pocket of his ninja pants, "I'm home, by the way."

"Couldn't sleep," Asuka replies, weak and rasping, "home earlier th'n I 'spected."

"We didn't have much time left. I got lost on the path of life," Kakashi says, settling onto the portion of couch left open for him.

"'scuses," the younger mumbles, muffled by his pillow.

"Yes, yes," Kakashi sighs, and his free hand finds Asuka's damp hair, fingers carding through the oily locks without much care for their dirtiness.

A soothed hum falls from Asuka's lips, quiet and barely there. Kakashi's scent crowds him and it's like the perfect autumn day after rain, like crisp, cold apples sparkling in the morning dew. He'd fallen in love with the smell of rain and apples the moment he realized that's what Kakashi smelled of.

"What're they like?" Asuka asks, though its more of a murmured slur of exhaustion.

"Mmh... Sakura's more interested in boys than becoming a good kinoichi, Sasuke's hell-bent on getting revenge and thinks he's better than his teammates, and Naruto's very loud, but very determined," Kakashi drawls thoughtfully.

"'At'll'be a handful.." The younger's faded blue eyes flutter shut, sleep threatening to take him with his friend's ministrations.

Now that there's something helping lull him, he realizes just how tired he had been. Maybe he's tired enough that he'll have a decent dream today, unlike the others, which have been filled with nightmares of death and blood and gore. Or maybe he's simply hoping that because Kakashi's next to him and he doesn't want to have a nightmare in the man's presence. That would be...humiliating, he decides. While he may have been an ANBU in the past, he's not seen nearly as much gore as Kakashi has, and to have pathetic nightmares about it makes it worse. Although, it's often that the shinobi he's killing in the dreams suddenly morphs into Kakashi, expression betrayed and heartbroken and _livid_. And when he wakes, he's covered in sweat and panicking, fat tears rolling down his cheeks because he can't believe he'd just been dreaming that.

Asuka hates those dreams, despises them like he despises his weak immune system. They make him feel disgusting, disgusted with himself for having the audacity to dream of it, like there's a gallon of bile creeping up his throat and threatening to spill out. His train of thought is disrupted by a tug on a knot in his hair and leaves him a little shocked at the following spike of arousal it brings.

"Sorry," Kakashi half-heartedly apologizes, immediately taking note of his sudden tensing.

"...S'kay," Asuka murmurs, shutting his eyes again.

Whatever sleepiness had accumulated is gone. He's too awake, too _what the fuck just happened_ to fall asleep now. That reaction was rather new. Granted, Kakashi's never petted him with such unruly hair, so he's never brushed through a knot before.

"You alright?" Kakashi asks when he doesn't relax.

"All good." Asuka forces himself to melt into the couch again, lifting his arm sightly as Yasu shifts and squirms out of the blanket pile she'd made a bed from.

She hops awkwardly over the pillow and across Kakashi's lap, down the steps they had installed at the armrest for ease of access. Asuka doesn't need to look to know she's retreated to her litter-box for some hay to nibble on. Without anything to cuddle against his chest, he stretches his arms out and lets his hands hang almost uncomfortably off the edge of the couch. Whatever. He'll think about that odd reaction later, specifically when Kakashi isn't home because then he won't be subjected to possible humiliation. Kakashi has a scary sense of hearing when he wants and Asuka doesn't want to take any chances while figuring out whatever the fuck happened a moment ago.

God, he's going to regret everything later on.


	3. talking to spiders makes you crazy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains anxiety and panic attacks

As it turns out, talking to the spiders trying to make homes in their window sills has Asuka feeling like he's crazy. Sure, his Kekkei Genkai allows him to talk to any kind of animal in existence, but _still_. Spiders is a bit much, and they don't make for great company because apparently they're all constantly angry. Kakashi's gone to test his Geninㅡhas been gone for the past six hours, might he addㅡand Asuka is slowly descending into the affects of never leaving the house after fourteen years. He doesn't even look at his clones' memories if he doesn't have to, in the case that he has to send one out to collect groceries or check on Miku and Souma at the bakery.

His fever had let up in the morning, completely dissipating from existence like Kakashi's mere presence was enough to scare it away. And with nothing to do but talk to the spiders or Yasu, Asuka is _bored_. He's read just about every book in their plethora of choices on the shelves, has tried spinning some records, has tried cleaning the house _again_ in the case that he'd missed a speck of dust somewhere. Honestly, he can't remember the last time he'd been this deathly bored. It's exhausting. With his fear of leaving the house, it's not as though he can just step out and take a walk or tend to their horrendous garden. The simple thought of doing so actually has him feeling a bit light-headed and dizzy, panic swarming in his chest.

Maybe if Kakashi were to return, he'd try going out. They could bring Yasu, or he could transform into an animal, per his Kekkei Genkai. It'd be a real treat if they could go eat out for a change, though. Asuka, for as long as he can remember, has been cooking for the both of them except when he's gotten sick. Those are the rare times Kakashi either picks something up or cooks himself. But he'd really love to eat at that barbecue place Kakashi talks about occasionally, or Ichiraku's Ramen Shop, or some quiet cafe with dango and other sweets. He has no doubt that Kakashi would love to eat out with him _because_ it's been so long since they've done any kind of outdoor activity together.

Asuka takes a deep breath in, clutching at the blanket thrown over his shoulders while he gazes at their wide variety of plant life beneath the window in the living room. Perhaps he'll bring the subject up to Kakashi, whenever he returns. It makes him anxious, thinking about eating at a restaurant, but god, does he ever want to. Staying inside won't do anything except make his phobias worse. And really, he should be taking baby stepsㅡjust, baby steps will get him nowhere if he doesn't grow a fucking pair of manly ass balls. Not that he has much manliness anyways. He's a bit too gay for that.

"Are you sleeping standing up?" Kakashi's voice cuts through the quiet air suddenly and Asuka flinches in shock, twisting around to look at the man.

"N-No, just thinking about how talking to spiders makes me feel insane," he replies, exhaling shudderingly to steel himself for what he's about to suggest, "can we go to a restaurant tonight?"

The words themselves leave his mouth fumbled and rushed and he'd honestly be surprised if Kakashi understood any of it. Judging by the way the man blinks at him in shock, he'd say he caught all of it.

"You actually want to leave the house?" Kakashi asks incredulously, expression openly surprised with his mask down.

"Gotta do it eventually." Asuka shrugs, swallowing thickly at the panic crawling up his chest and into his throat.

Yes, he does have to leave the house eventually but that doesn't make it any easier to think about. Fuck it, he'll even leave in his house pants, knit turtleneck and loose cardigan if he thinks it'll help. Which it might. He's, like, three percent sure it will. Bringing Yasu would definitely help, but she's an animal and restaurants have cooked animals and policies to uphold.

"I mean, fuck," Kakashi says weakly, clearing his throat, "I'll take you out if you really want to. We can bail at any moment."

"Let's go before I change my mind, please," Asuka rushes, and tosses the blanket back onto the couch.

He's kind of panicking now. Okay, he's really panicking. What does he do if people look at him? What if they speak to him? Oh, dear god, what if they run into any genin teams? How the fuck is he supposed to communicate with adults, let alone _children_? Should he even be going out wearing something as casual as he is? What if people look at him weird because he's with Kakashi? Is he supposed to act like they're the bestest of buddies or hardly acquaintances? Does Kakashi even _have_ any friends aside from him? Are other shinobi gonna approach them and interrogate him or something? Jesus fuck, why is it suddenly so hard to breathe?

"Asuka," Kakashi says, setting a firm hand between his shoulder blades and curling the other around the back of his head to pull him in for a hug, "I'll be with you the entire time."

The younger wheezes out unsteady breaths, hands trembling, fingers going numb and chest heaving. There are abrupt tears in his eyes and his brain feels like scrambled eggs and _fuck_ , he has no idea what to do. He chokes on an inhale and exhales with a pathetic sob, pressing his face into Kakashi's navy sweatshirt. His body is locked up, tense yet weak and shivering, and he can't _move_. The tears spill over, tumbling down his cheeks, and his hands shakily scramble for purchase. They find safety is grappling onto the sweater tightly as Kakashi holds him close, crowding him with the scent of fresh rain and crisp apples.

"I j-jus'"ㅡAsuka wheezes again, whiningㅡ"wanna le-leave th'house, 'n, 'n'I ca-can't."

"We can always go another day," Kakashi offers, giving him an opening to step back from his initial decision.

"No!" The younger cries, shaking his head and squeezing his eyes shut, "n-no, I wanna go t'day."

"Okay. What'll make it easier for you to go?" Kakashi takes in a careful breath, aware of the erratic pulse his friend has.

He doesn't want to make the panic worse by panicking himself.

"Uhm, u-um, I-I don't know?" Asuka waivers, voice wobbling.

"Take your time. Remember to breathe."

The words calm him heavily and he leans a bit more into Kakashi's warmth, wringing his arms around the muscled body. It takes him a moment to grab his bearings again, settling with the comforting scent of rain and apples. Asuka steadies himself, sniffling wetly.

"I-I think...j-just you," he says, face flushing with embarrassment.

It's such a stupid statement, but telling lies won't do him any good. As much as he'd love to bring Yasu or a stuffed animal, restaurants wouldn't let her inside without being a nin..pet and he would feel more humiliated than anything if he'd actually went through with bringing a stuffy. So, of course, having Kakashi within reach at all times would be the only logical thing to comfort him.

"Alright. You good to go now?" Kakashi inquires, waiting until Asuka pulls away from him to drop his arms.

He doesn't seem even the slightest bit affected by the words as he tugs his mask back up and forehead proctor over his Sharingan eye.

"M-Maybe?" Asuka replies, unsure of himself.

The shorter man brings a hand up to wipe at his face, making an uncomfortable expression at his tears. It's always awkward in the aftermath of a panic attack. Or maybe that's just his thinkingㅡ _he_ always finds it awkward after panicking or crying. His anxiety doesn't seem to care that it's _Kakashi_ he's with, that Kakashi literally doesn't give a shit no matter what he looks like or what he's doing. But then, Kakashi's always been like that. Even when he was a moody, depressed, and angry kid after his father passed.


	4. regret everything and nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains anxiety and minor panic attacks

The walk to the barbecue restaurant, Yakiniku Q, had been... Dear god, Asuka doesn't want to think about how many times he hid his face in Kakashi's arm or flinched whenever someone brushed past him or almost cried if there was too much crowd near him. Getting _inside_ the restaurant hadn't been any easier, either. The entrance was bustling with people and it's still too loud for his liking and there's a few eyes on them that's making him feel panicky. Specifically these six children, clearly Genin, and two adults, clearly Jounin. They seem to know Kakashi, but their eyes are making Asuka want to crawl into a hole and never come out again.

Kakashi is...unaffected as usual. In one hand is his Icha Icha book that people seem to think is porn, and in the other is the menu. He's looking at both half-assedly, making sure to twist his body just right to protect him a little more from the prying eyes. Asuka, as uncomfortable as he is, is going to have to thank him with something. Maybe he could bake a bunch of pastries or clean the house extra good or something. He doesn't really know, his brain feels a bit fried at the moment. It's kind of hard to think with all the sounds and smells bombarding him and it might just be him, but the table looks like it's spinning. And, oh that's lovely, he's having another panic attack.

His shoulders are up to his ears, trembling in his panic, and he's not really sure if he can speak to let Kakashi know that he can't quite breathe. It's quieter than the one he'd had before leaving their home, yet his heart is still in his fingertips, still _thump thump thumping_ in his ears like someone's stomping in his head. He flinches minusculely when Kakashi snaps the menu shut and sets it to the side, eyes wide and quickly filling with unwanted tears.

"Asuka," Kakashi says calmly, setting a gentle hand on his knee, "breathe."

The younger shakes his head lightly, hardly noticeable, and Kakashi leans closer to him.

"No one is staring at you, they're all busy eating," he murmurs, voice rumbling with slight authority.

Asuka releases a heavy, shuddering breath in response and his shaking hands latch onto his friend's arm. Blinking has his tears falling, soaking into the fabric of his pants. Kakashi lifts his hindered arm to wipe the residue of the tears away, gentle and soft. The gesture practically forces Asuka to relax, though the arm stays in his grasp, and he breathes deep a few times. His lungs burn a little at the welcome intrusion of oxygen.

"S-Sorry," he gasps quietly, "sorry, m'sorry."

"No apologizing," Kakashi says, stern.

Asuka purses his lips so he doesn't respond with another apology, and nods instead, "w-what're we eating?"

"I figured grilling a few beef cuts would be the simplest option for now, with some side dishes. That alright?" Kakashi checks, pocketing his alleged porn.

It's not actually porn, but rather a heart-wrenching story of two women trying to love each other. Jiraiya had written it extraordinarily well, although the rest of the series did dive more into the beauties of women and sex. Icha Icha Paradise isn't as disgusting as the people Kakashi talks about make it out to be. The name doesn't necessarily help its reputation, though.

"Beef works," Asuka agrees shyly, pausing before he adds, "u-um, it-it's a bit cold in here?"

He blinks, shocked, when Kakashi pulls a sweatshirt out of thin air and hands it to him.

"I thought you'd get cold, so I brought an extra," the man explains.

Asuka tugs the warm piece of clothing over his head and threads his arms through the sleeves. It doesn't exactly explain how he managed to make it magically appear. There was no summoning scroll or anything, because he'd know if there was. Had he just been storing it under his vest the entire time? Ah, whatever. It doesn't really matter that much. A waitress arrives at their booth, and Asuka keeps his eyes on his lap while Kakashi orders their food. He relaxes only when she leaves, leaning against his shoulder like he often does on their couch at home.

"So prepared," Asuka teases, sticking his tongue out a little.

"Maa, maa." Kakashi waves a hand around the air somewhat bashfully.

"Thank you, though," Asuka murmurs, tilting his head up to look at the Jounin through his lashes, "for getting me out of the house, and helping me with panic attacks, and bringing this extra sweater so I don't freeze to death."

"Hey, you cook and clean for the both of us. It's the least I can do," the older says.

"That's kind of unfair," Asuka giggles, cheeks flooding red.

"Without you, the house would look _and_ smell abandoned," Kakashi deadpans, "you do a lot."

The waitress returns with a plate of raw beef, set on a tray and paired with some other side dishes. She places everything down on the table swiftly, and checks to make sure the brazier is working properly. Then, she's leaving them with a bow and wandering over to another table. Kakashi immediately passes the meat and tongs to Asuka, because he knows he can't grill for shit. He may be able to cook other things, but grilling is not one of his specialties. Asuka hovers a hand over the brazier and shrugs, deciding to put a few cuts of beef on it. They begin to sizzle quietly almost immediately and Kakashi sneaks a piece of kimchi between his chopsticks.

Asuka stares at him a moment, flickers his gaze to the Genin teams still watching them and leans across the table to grab the platter of japchae just as Kakashi drags his mask down to eat the kimchi. He may have constant anxiety, but with those intense eyes on them, he's not going to risk them possibly getting a glance at his face. Doesn't matter how skilled Kakashi may be at eating and hiding his face again. Sitting back down, Asuka sends them a mocking smirk and his friend passes over a small plate for the japchae. _I know what he looks like_ _beneath that flimsy cloth_ , the smirk says, _that's too bad_. They give him dropped jaws and surprised expressions in response, like they hadn't been expecting that.

"You're becoming a bit more comfortable," Kakashi notes casually.

"They keep staring and it's getting annoying," Asuka sighs, cheeks flushing again, "besides, I can't very well let them get a peek at that handsome face, can I?"

"Ha," Kakashi snorts, flashing his own smirk beneath the mask.

It's a comforting thought, knowing that the Jounin's trying to make him as comfortable as he possibly can. He flips the meat over and it sizzles harder at the stronger heat. Kakashi grabs the scissors to help cut them when the time comes, setting them aside for later. The Jounin takes a chance at looking at the other Genin teams run by Asuma and Kurenai, the ones he'd been trying to ignore the whole time. They've not exactly been discreet in their curiosity, especially the six rookies that seem to _think_ they're being sneaky. Asuka doesn't really appreciate their staring, and Kakashi's starting to find it pretty intrusive too. And so, he stares directly at them until they notice and awkwardly turn back to the grill that Choji and Shikamaru were manning.

Maybe Kakashi should talk to Asuma and Kurenai about invasion of privacy. He doesn't enjoy the fact that they're making his friend's first-time-outside-in-fourteen-years experience uncomfortable. Asuka nudges him, holding up a cut of mostly-cooked beefy and Kakashi chops it up into smaller, easier to eat pieces. All he's done is let it sit on the grill, yet it already smells like heaven. They repeat the same thing for the other two cuts, and by then, the earlier pieces are cooked to perfection, so Asuka moves a few onto their respective plates. He turns the heat down, too, as to not let their meat burn while they eat.

"Hey, thanks," Kakashi says gratefully, immediately diving in.

"Just repaying your kindness," Asuka hums, "thinking of baking something for you, too. Cooking meat is barely considered payment."

"You'd do it even if I tried to stop you." The older gives up without attempting to try, mouth mysteriously full.


	5. not exactly a ninken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains anxiety and mentions of a panic attack

Sometimes, Asuka wonders if Kakashi ever gets fed up with him being so pathetic. He's hardly been traumatizedㅡhe was only in the ANBU to do special retrieve missions, which required his Kekkei Genkai because it allows him to transform into any kind of animal or insect. And because of that, he's killed such a small amount of shinobi and kinoichi he can count the number on both hands. Their deaths don't really haunt him anymore. Not even his parents' massacres affect him that often at this point, purely because it's been so long since their passing. It makes him wonder why, one day, he'd decided that facing the world was too terrifying to handle. Why he couldn't step foot out of his and Kakashi's front door at the mere age of ten. He's barely been through a quarter of what Kakashi has experienced, and yet.

Yet, he can't seem to find his courage.

So Asuka wonders, and wonders, and wonders, because he has all the time in the world to. Sometimes he thinks for hours on end, and when he comes to, he realizes he hasn't done anything around the house and Kakashi's going to return in an hour. He doesn't know how he loses track of time with such ease while in his head. Asuka ducks past a bucket of raw fish in his path, shaking out of his endless, circling thoughts. His side brushes against Kakashi's calf and he vaguely recalls transforming into a pup before they left because he wasn't sure he could handle being human and leaving the house again. It's only been a few days since going to the restaurant, but he doesn't want another stupid panic attack for no reason aside from a "big crowd". If you consider seven people in the same street as you a big crowd.

He finds even one person other than Kakashi too big a crowd. But then, everything is overwhelming at this point. Which is why he's trying to accustom himself to the noise and bombarding smells, to reduce the overwhelm and panic that arises at every little thing. It makes him wonder, _again_ , if Kakashi finds him pathetic. He sure feels it. What kind of coward hides as a _dog_? What kind of coward hides in a house for fourteen years? God, he's probably the most pathetic coward in the universe.

"We're almost there," Kakashi reminds, and Asuka tilts his doggish head to look up at the man.

That's right. They're going to the Ninja Academy to file in his team's mission reports for the dayㅡjesus, his jawline and profile from the ground still looks amazing. _No. Bad Asuka_ , he thinks, _don't be gay about your best friend, that's awkward_. The view is almost better as a dog than it is as a human, despite _just_ reaching Kakashi's shoulders in height. It...It kind of feels godly, to look at the Jounin from the ground. Ugh, whatever. He needs to stop pining so hard. His crush will eventually become obvious enough that the air will practically permeate its scent. Asuka's simply lucky to have such an oblivious friend, or he'd have an awful time trying to hide his love for the man.

The two step into the Academy and are immediately hit with chilled air. Asuka shivers gently, silently wishing he'd had some form of dog sweater to wear. Preferably covered in Kakashi's scent because it comforts him. He follows the man through the dizzying zig-zagging halls, cursing the first Hokage for his awfully designed building. It makes it harder on his body to walk down such intense things. They stop in front of a shoji and Asuka can already sense Sarutobi's chakra, alongside three others. Must be for helping file reports and sending others on them, too. How organized. Kakashi slides the shoji open and Asuka has to remember how to walk for a second before joining him inside, listening to the quiet noise it makes when it's closed again.

"Good evening, Kakashi," Sarutobi greets, voice old and raspy with age and smoking, "here to file in your reports?"

"Yes, Lord Hokage," Kakashi replies, and Asuka has to hold back his snort at how formal that is.

"Hey, Sarutobi," he says, sitting next to his friend.

The looks on the other shinobi's faces are priceless. Asuka wishes he had a camera to capture them.

"Hello again, Asuka. It's been a long time; are you finally starting to leave the house?" The old man says, unaffected by his informality.

"Kakashi took me to a barbecue place a couple days ago," he brags, and feels a bit shameful when he adds, "but I did have a few panic attacks."

"I'm impressed. Keep making good progress, and I hope to see you as a human some time soon," Sarutobi says kindly, patient and calm as ever.

Asuka feels a surge of happiness at his words and momentarily bumps his side against Kakashi's leg. Said man retrieves four scrolls from his pouch and hands them over to the guy at the end, who looks most affronted by his not-so-polite greeting, with a long scar running over the bridge of his nose. He kind of looks silly, with his jaw so wide open and eyes bugging out of his head.

"Iruka," Sarutobi sighs, "you can close your mouth now. Asuka here has addressed me as Sarutobi since he was a child."

"But, Sirㅡ" Iruka's cut off by the Hokage's stern eyes and hardened expression.

"Asuka may refer to me however he likes, I have no qualms with it."

Kakashi snickers quietly, looking away when the affronted man whips his head in his direction. It's not that he's _trying_ to be rude when he calls the Hokage Sarutobi, he just thinks that authority is kind of stupid and ranks piss him off sometimes. Asuka _does_ actually respect the man. He doesn't like the whole _'Lord Hokage'_ bullshit, though, and he'd stated as much the very first time he met Sarutobi. With the missions reviewed and filed, the old man dismisses them and the excuse themselves from the room. Asuka sighs shakily when they're far enough away, legs trembling.

"Oh, my poor heart," he whimpers, sitting at the end of the hall after he finds his body doesn't want to move any further.

"Should I carry you?" Kakashi suggests, crouching next to him, "the crowds must've affected you more than I thought."

"Please, I-I can't walk," Asuka says, voice wobbling.

The Jounin carefully lifts him, tucking his doggish body against his chest securely before continuing down the hallway. It's shockingly comfortable; Asuka's forgotten how nice it is to be carried by someone. Specifically Kakashi. He relaxes into the warmth, resting his muzzle on his friend's shoulder and letting himself tremble gently. His heart is in his throat, stomach swirling almost nauseatingly, and he thinks that, yeah, the crowd fucked with him. Still, with rain and apples to surround him, Asuka calms right down. The younger closes his eyes, ignoring the eyes that land on them each time they pass a shinobi or kunoichi.

It must be strange to see Kakashi carrying a dog, despite his reputation for having ninken. Though, maybe it's the odd gentleness in his hold that they're staring at. Or the unusuality of him not being a ninken. He's not wearing the cute little scarecrow symbol Kakashi has his hounds wear, nor does he have a forehead proctor. Well, not that any of them even know he's a human.

"Kakashi!" A man greets, the same one, Asuka recognizes, that had been staring in the restaurant, "adding a new hound to your collection?"

"Asuma," Kakashi drawls, and the younger feels the familiar press of his Icha Icha book against his side, "not exactly."

"Oh? You don't seem like the type to have a pet," Asuma notes, unlit cigarette hanging from his lips.

"I'm not. He's.. a friend," Kakashi replies.

If Asuka could blush, he would be. He may have a crush on the man, but even just being referred to as his friend makes his heart flutter. It's rather pathetic. Apparently, he's all about pathetic-ness. Pathetic this, pathetic that. God, he's lame.

"I see," Asuma says slowly, if not a little suspicious.

The ex-shinobi knows the man can sense chakra coming from himㅡhe's not a Jounin for nothing, after all. Still, breaking his silence and speaking would do this situation no good, and he's sure he'd find himself or Kakashi having to explain things that don't need explaining. Asuka doesn't want to go through the trouble for that. Oh no. One more sentence and he'll start sounding like a Nara. They break away from the buffed man, who bears a strange resemblance to the Hokage, and Kakashi starts his trek down the winding halls again. Well, he can always ask when they get home.

For now, all Asuka wants to do is get to their couch, which he's dubbed Heaven, and take a long, deserved nap. He's needs it after the crowd he'd just experienced.


	6. sneaking around gets you nowhere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains mentions of a panic attack
> 
> also, kurenai and asuma are sus /squints/

Kakashi Hatake is by no means an idiot. He knows that Asuma's been trying to catch him alone since the day at the barbecue house, and that Kurenai's been staring at him like a hawk whenever she spots him. It's not as though he's _trying_ to avoid them, he just knows that Asuka is a fairly private person and doesn't enjoy being talked about behind his back if he doesn't know what's being said. People from the Suzuki Clan generally are secretive and private, even more so than the Hyuuga Clan with their fighting style. Of course, not that anyone actually knows, aside from the Hokage, Gai and himself, that Asuka is from the Suzuki Clan. No one's even talked about them since his parent's deaths, so the assumption is that they'd gone extinct. That's not entirely true, but people don't really need to know that.

If Asuka wants to stay a secret, then Kakashi will make sure he stays a secret. He has no plans on telling anyone anything revealing. To them, Asuka will simply be a civilian that befriended him and until he's told to say otherwise, that's all they're going to get. Still, that doesn't make the eyes currently boring into his face any easier to ignore. Kakashi hadn't been to the Jounin Standby Station in a while, so he thought he'd visit for a bit on his day off from the Genin. Apparently, that was a bad idea. Not only are Asuma and Kurenai here, Shikaku, Genma _and_ Inoichi are as well. Granted, Shikaku's playing shogi on his own, Inoichi's skimming over some paperwork and Genma's half asleep. Kakashi sighs inwardly, flipping a page on his book and lifting his legs to rest his crossed feet atop the coffee table.

He's going to have a long day. They're not going to let him leave until they get at least _one_ answer out of him.

"Say, Kakashi..." Kurenai starts slowly, gathering the attention of everyone else, "mind telling us about the guy you were with a few days ago?"

And there it is. Kakashi had been expecting that question since he arrived.

"I don't recall ever having to tell people what I do in my life outside of being a shinobi," he says instead, immediately deflecting her question.

It must sound suspicious, especially to Shikaku (who's _famous_ for his smarts), but what can he do? He's not going to be some shitty friend that says things that Asuka doesn't want being said behind his back. For one, he would find out about it one way or another, and two, it would break some of their trust. They may have known each other since Kakashi was two and Asuka was a newborn, but maintaining trust is always going to be important.

"That's true," Inoichi comments offhandedly, "you don't have to say anything."

Somehow, it feels both like a threat _and_ a challenge. One that Kakashi would rather not acknowledge. He would prefer to keep quiet about Asuka, thank you. Asuka is like a secret only he knows of, somethingㅡsomeoneㅡspecial, and he has no obligation to tell his secret.

"I'm not trying to hide anything, just so you know. I simply would prefer to keep my friend's trust by not saying anything he wouldn't want me to," Kakashi sighs.

"So, he's someone rather private, then?" Shikaku says, and it feels like he's already figured out who it is.

"That's a little suspicious," Asuma hums, pausing, "I wouldn't say I know _every_ face in Konoha, but I've never seen him before."

"Is he a new civilian?" Kurenai asks.

"No." Kakashi figures he can at least dissipate their suspicions. "He's lived here his entire life. Our parents were good friends."

"How come we've never seen him?" Kurenai urges, piercing eyes squinting.

"It's been a long time since he's left the house," Kakashi says.

He stares at them sternly, giving the five of them a look to stop pushing it. Shikaku returns to his game, Inoichi begins sifting through his paperwork, and Genma closes his eyes again. Both Asuma and Kurenai give him a lasting expression that _screams_ they'll be trying again, but return to chatting amongst themselves. It makes Kakashi want to roll his eyes so hard they fall out of his head. Some Jounin they are, unable to respect a person's privacy simply because they're curious. Although, it's not like he's any better in some occasions. Before becoming Team Seven's Jounin, he'd often followed Naruto around the village to see what he was doing regularly. He denies vehemently, to this day, that it wasn't because he was worried about the boy and what the village might do to him.

Still, it's not like he's prying into Asuma's relationship with Kurenai or his father. He knows how to respect certain boundaries when necessary. Kakashi's lips tilt downward. He's been here for a few hours; he supposes he could leave now. Asuka's probably done with his baking, or close to finishing anyway. Standing, Kakashi pockets his book and heads for the door. The eyes return to the back of his head as he tugs the door open silently, only to be met with the sight of a _very_ disarrayed Asuka. He freezes in shock, taking in his disheveled hair, not even brushed yet, and panicked, wide eyes. There's unshed tears bubbling in them, viciously threatening to fall. He's practically _wheezing_ , chest heaving like he's in the midst of a panic attack. Yasu's clutched tightly in his arms, and Kakashi would almost feel bad for her if he wasn't so worried about his friend.

"Asuka?" He inquires, visibly and soundly shocked.

"A-A deer!" Asuka gasps for air, "there's an injured deer in front of our house!"

His legs are clearly shaking, one of his hands on his wobbling knees, and god, he looks like absolute _shit_. He must've run all the way here.

"Okay, woah, take a deep breath," Kakashi says, attempting to sound soothing.

They've caught the attention of the othersㅡespecially Shikaku, knowing his relationship with deer. Someone's going to eventually mention the fact that Asuka said _our_ house.

"I c-can't! Sh-She's gonna die!" Asuka whines, weakly tugging on Kakashi's arm.

"Alright," Kakashi relents easily, getting a proper hold on his friend and shunshining them back home.

The five Jounin are left staring at the empty spaces they occupied. Even if it was brief, the way he'd spoken to this "Asuka" was unlike anything they'd heard in his tone before. That was most definitely the guy they'd been talking about earlier, but in the short conversation, he did not sound as soft or caring or _in love_ as he _just_ had. Kakashi had talked about Asuka in his usual cold and lazy tone like he was nothing but a mere acquaintance. Yet, bring the actual guy in and he sounds like he's in love.

"Did I just witness a caring Kakashi?" Kurenai asks, directing it at nobody but the still air in the station.

"Shouldn't we be focusing on the fact that the guy said _our_ house?" Genma speaks up, lazy exhaustion deep in his voice.

"It's fairly obvious they live together," Shikaku says, "Kakashi mentioned that their parents knew each other, which means his died as well, and that he hadn't left the house in a long time, so the obvious answer is that they live together."

"Not all of us are geniuses, Shikaku," Inoichi snorts.


	7. the kind nara doe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains mentions of anxiety and panic attacks

Asuka still can't believe he'd actually _left the house_ on his own yesterday. Granted, the deer's life was more important than his silly anxiety in the moment. Any injured animal matters more than his issues. Kakashi had helped him move the doe into the tidier part of their garden, less overrun by plant life and weeds, and they'd patched her wound up. It looked as though a jagged rock had pierced right through her side, like something or someone had pushed her into it. She had been too out of her mind, too injured, to talk to him about what happened, so he'd let it slide for the time being. Today's a new day, though.

He's been at her side the entire morning, wrapped up in four blankets to account for the chilled dawn air and awaiting her rising. Kakashi had gotten him a new book to read while he watched over her body, too. Judging by the location of their home, Asuka assumes the doe came from the Nara Clan's forest, although he has no idea what she was doing outside of it. Honestly, he hardly even knows anything about the Nara Clan and their deer. He hopes it's alright one of them is here. Actually, now that he thinks about it, how is he supposed to let them know she's here? Would they be mad she's healing here? Wait. That wouldn't make sense. They would most likely be _thankful_ she's even alright. She'll scar, most definitely, but she _will_ live.

Asuka glances at her, setting the book aside for now, and shifts onto his knees. He pets the soft fur lining her narrow muzzle gently, brushing his fingers beneath her eyes and past her cheek and down onto her neck. She's warm, so, so warm, and her small chakra reserves feel oh-so-motherly. Maybe she has a fawn waiting back at home. It hurts him to think that, that there's a baby waiting for her return, unknowing of her condition and location. Asuka swallows back the oncoming of tearsㅡit won't do him any good to cry when he knows she's going to be okay. He's been such a crybaby recently, and although he's got an explanation for it, he still feels pathetic as a _twenty-four year old man_. Ah, but then again, he's always been more emotional when it comes to animals and the past week of craziness hasn't been helping.

He's just about ready to stay at home for two whole months after this week. It's been so overwhelming, going to the barbecue place and getting stared at, going with Kakashi to the Academy, and _then_ leaving the house all on his own in the midst of a panic attack to help this poor deer. He's never had so many panic attacks in one week, it's _exhausting_. Asuka sighs quietly and it almost feels like his eye bags sag heavier beneath his eyes. It doesn't help he spent the entire night worrying about her condition, praying they let her live, that he didn't sleep at all. That's the only reason he was even _awake_ at dawn. Not that he generally gets much rest at night, anyway. Most of his rest comes from naps on the couch with Kakashi as his cushion, and even then, it's not much.

A twitch beneath his hand pulls him out of his thoughts, and a faint gasp leaves him when the doe's eyes flutter open.

"Oh, are you alright?" He worries, "are you awake now?"

 **[I...I can understand you?]** The doe mumbles weakly, keeping her head down.

"It's in my Kekkei Genkai," Asuka whispers, eyebrows furrowing, "how are you feeling?"

 **[I'm not in pain. Not yet, at least. Thank you for saving me.]** She huffs, and her torso shudders with effort to breathe.

"Please don't try moving yet. U-Um, did-did you come from the Nara Clan's forest?" Asuka carefully pets her neck, hand trembling.

 **[Yes. A boar had somehow entered the property; I got chased out and it managed to snag me on a tusk.]** She explains quietly, before adding, **[my name is Yuka. May I ask yours?]**

"Oh, gosh. U-Uhm, Iㅡcall me Asuka. Oh, dear, I, um, will your clan be mad at me for keeping you here?" He stammers, whimpering.

 **[Of course not. My family will be grateful for your help. I am indebted to you.]** Yuka says, voice soft and still weak.

"Th-There's no need to-to repay me," Asuka gasps.

The doe closes her woody eyes again, ears flicking against the vibrant violets at her head. He sniffles, small, and wraps the blankets around his body tighter in a vague attempt to keep his warmth. It's not all that cold anymore, though the overcast of the giant oaks and camphors hides their garden from the midday sun rays. There are patches of spotlights shining through the brush, onto the healthy grass, a beautiful green that matches the leaves of the bushes and the trees.

 **[Nonsense.]** Yuka laughs airily, **[I only wish you come visit me once in a while. It's rare to find someone other than a Nara that's able to chat with us deer.]**

"B-But I wouldn't ha-have explicit permission from a Nara," Asuka whispers, like it's a secret.

His heart feels like it's trying to claw itself out of his chest, and a bird twitters from the branches above them, calling out for its pair.

 **[I am a deer of the Nara's forest, sweet boy. They will not attack you when you visit.]** She says, confident.

He lets out a meek little sound, suspiciously similar to a sob, and tears threaten to cloud his eyes, yet again. It's pathetic, nearly crying over the acceptance from an animal. He's all about being pathetic, apparently. The entire week has been his mind filled with thoughts of himself being a pathetic human. It makes him genuinely wonder if Kakashi thinks he's pathetic for simply being unable to leave the house because he overthinks _everything_. Ugh. Asuka doesn't enjoy being so self-deprecating, but, god, he hates himself. To distract himself, Asuka continues petting Yuka's neck methodically and sniffles once more. It's surprisingly calming, and she appears to have no issues with him petting her.

"You're Kakashi's mystery friend," a rough voice says, and the sound of feet shuffling on the soil path echoes gently in the quiet forest.

Asuka glances up momentarily to gauge the man's identity, then shifts back to the doe when he realizes it's the Jounin Commander. He stiffens a little, but does nothing else.

"I-I am," he murmurs, suddenly feeling small.

He hopes Shikaku hadn't been listening in on their conversation. Although, he definitely would have noticed by now if he had been. He's not a sensory nin for nothing, even if he's out of practice. The man crouches on the other side of Yuka and carefully sets a hand on her injury, almost hesitantly. She huffs at him, eyes blinking open.

"I-I'm sorry for-for keeping her here," Asuka fumbles, heart moving to his throat uncomfortably, "sh-she was gonna bleed out."

"Thank you." Shikaku's eyes are on him, watching his face with a ferocious curiosity. "Thank you for saving her. You're Asuka, right?"

"Y-Yes, sir," he replies, squeaking.

"The sir is unnecessary, just call me Shikaku," the Commander chuckles.

The ex-shinobi flushes in embarrassment.

"She, um, sh-she's mostly healed. I-I couldn't completely close the-the wound up, s-so she's still wrapped f-for now," Asuka explains, avoiding Shikaku's gaze.

"Do you know what happened?" He asks.

He settles on the ground, crossing his legs lazily, and Asuka swallows thickly. It would be better if Kakashi were here, or if he had Yasu with him, but the Commander's a genius. It'd be rude of him to make the poor animal-lover more anxious.

"Um. A-A boar tusk p-pierced her, a-and she was chased out of the forest," Asuka says, and tries to calm his _thump, thump, thumping_ heart.

He silently prays that Shikaku doesn't pry into how he knows that. The man's too smart, and he's too unsure he can easily avoid him finding out who he really is. If he even mentions the smallest clue that he can talk to animals or understand the deer, then there's no doubt Shikaku would figure it out. As far as he's concerned, there's no other clan _than_ the Suzuki's that can speak with animals using their Kekkei Genkai. It's not as though he's trying to hide his identity either, it's just..he doesn't want others finding out quite yet. He's not ready.

"I see," Shikaku hums, "...Kakashi mentioned yours and his parents were good friends. I do apologize if this is prying, but the only clan I can think of that were very close to Sakumo and his wife is the supposedly extinct Suzuki Clan."

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Asuka's heart actually _stops_ in his chest, eyes going as wide as saucers. His hand pauses its ministrations on Yuka's fur and suddenly trembles, tingles crawling up his spine and webbing out at the back of his neck.

"Please don't tell anyone!" He exclaims frantically, head whipping up to pleadingly stare at the man.

"I won't. I don't have any plans to," Shikaku promises, aiming for somewhat soothing.

There's a moment of awkward silence, and then:

"So, are you sure you and Kakashi aren't together?"

Asuka shrieks.


	8. the contemplation and exhaustion of a simple man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains suicidal thoughts and ideation, and mentions of eating disorders

Staying _somewhat_ true to his words, Asuka hadn't left the house for two weeks (rather than the two months he oh-so wished for) after sending Yuka off with Shikaku. Because she'd been mostly healed, and really only needed rest at that point, he'd taken her back to the Nara Forest the next day. And then, when they were gone, he'd crashed in his bed for a full, astonishing twenty hours. Asuka still can't believe he actually slept that long, but he knows he needed it. That week had taken such a heavy toll on him emotionally and mentally, and the panic attacks made it that much worse. Of course, the moment he'd woken up, he'd realized _another_ cold had come crawling back into his body from all the stress. Which just fucking sucked altogether.

So, safe to say that Asuka is still practically dead with exhaustion, even two weeks later. His body hasn't fully recovered from the cold yet, and he's not been getting a great nights rest from downright _stupid_ nightmares that keep repeating themselves over and over again. Rest is important for colds, and despite that, he can't _sleep_. Asuka has honestly never felt so defeated by his own _brain_ in his life. He inhales sharply, scrubbing at his face messily to wipe the reminants of his latest nightmare away and sitting up. His bed is an absolute mess, the four fluffy blankets askew and crumpled, the pillows flattened, and his stuffed animals all kicked onto the floor accidentally. He's no better than his bedㅡhair damp and mussed, body covered in a thin sheen of sweat, and shirt pushed up over his stomach. The shirt sticks uncomfortably to his back.

Asuka tries to blink his lack of sleep away and only serves to feed it. He wants to go back to sleep. He's _so tired_. The blankets and sheets stick to him as well, and he peels himself away from the bed shakily. They follow, piling on the ground at his feet in a disarray of mismatched fluff. Asuka shrugs and struggles his shirt off to join the pile that'll be going in the wash. His hands tremble as he searches for one of Kakashi's sweaters that he'd stolen, and immediately sighs when he finds his favourite. It's plain and simple, just like the rest of themㅡa boring navy colour, too large on his thin and sickly frame, but _warm_ , coated with soft fur on the inside for missions either in the winter or in the mountains. Asuka loves this sweater, especially because it keeps him warm without having to bundle up like a freak.

The ex-shinobi is swift to slip it over his head and thread his arms through, admiring the way the hem of the sweater stops at his mid-thigh and makes him almost seem to disappear. Kakashi's much bulkier than him, and taller, so it's only natural that it hangs off him. He's basically a twig, with how little he eats because his stomach can't handle too much food sometimes and he pukes it back up. Not that he really mindsㅡit's been like that since before his health seriously declined. He's had consistent issues with food his whole life. Asuka presses the sleeves of Kakashi's sweater to his nose and takes a shaky, deep breath in, hunching over when a sudden bout of exhaustion passes through. God, he wants to sleep forever and just...not wake up. It would be _peaceful_. There'd be no worrying about nightmares and seeing the dead faces of people he's killed, or Kakashi dying in front of him with every situation his mind can possibly think of to torture him.

Oh, how nice it would be to free himself of the world's awfulness. Then again, he's already killing himself slowlyㅡnot that he's really going to do anything about it. He doesn't want to. Not anymore. Asuka slides to his knees, faintly bruised from repeating this action everyday, and lets the fresh set of tears soak into the sweater. He's so tired, so, so tired. Beads of sweat dribble off strands of his hair, fever becoming prominent once more. The tops of his hands, covered by the fabric of the sweater, press into his thighs and he quivers as he cries, silent. Asuka wants to die. He's thought about it too many times. Sometimes he'll get an idea while he's in a fairly decent moodㅡ _oh, that tree branch outside, it would pierce through my skin perfectly_ ㅡand then he'll thinkㅡ _where the fuck did that come from?_ And fuck, it makes him hate himself so much.

Sometimes he gets so enraged with himself he thinks he could strangle himself with his bare hands and _that would be a fine way to go_. He's tried it before, on nights too restless for sleep, digging the crook of his thumb and index into his airway and squeezing as hard as he can until his vision begins fading. It never works. He always lets go a moment too early. He gets disappointed when he does. There are other times, while he's baking, the flame of the stove-top or the heat of the oven entrances him and sometimes he'll stick a hand in the fire or on the red-hot metal to see what'll happen. Kakashi or Yasu's always there to stop him before anything serious happens, and he gets disappointed again.

Asuka gasps for breath, realizing he hadn't been doing just that for longer than he should. Something (tears? sweat? snot?) drips off his chin and onto the sleeves of the sweatshirt and it makes him want to itch the sweat away. His chest genuinely trembles with oxygen, shuddering and aching, though unlike a panic attack.

"Fuck," he chokes wetly, quietly, " _fuck_."

He sniffles and it sounds disgusting, so he lifts his head up to not get the sweater all snotty. The front door closes noisily and a rush of horror runs through him at Kakashi seeing him disheveled and crying like a bitch. Asuka grabs one of his sweaty blankets, practically rubs his face off and sniffles harder to get rid of the evidence. He picks himself up from the floor and rummages through his drawers to find a pair of loose house-pants because he'd been having a breakdown on the floor pantsless. The ex-shinobi deals with his hair by leaving it downㅡit's often more messy than it is brushed and knot-free. Kakashi's footsteps pass by his room and Asuka relaxes when they disappear into his own room. His hands come up to scrub a little more fiercely at his eyes, leaving them tinted pink and feeling raw and dry. He sniffles again, releasing a trembling sigh and attempting to steel himself.

It hardly works, but Asuka leaves his bedroom anyway and scoops up Yasu, who'd been loyally sitting at his door for a good part of the day. She immediately cuddles into him and he accepts the warmth of her small body almost hungrily. His tense shoulders fall from his ears as he warily settles on the couch, choosing to wrap himself up in a thick blanket before putting Yasu on his lap. It's comforting, though she doesn't speak. Kakashi returns from his room, looking ruffled and worn out, and Asuka wonders what mission Sarutobi had them going on to look like that. The sleeves of his sweatshirt are a little torn, pants soiled with dirt and grass and something that looks oddly like wild-berry juice, and his mask is pushed down around his neck to show the near dejected expression on his face.

"You look awful," Asuka croaks weakly, not finding much strength in his vocal cords to conjure something louder.

"I could say the same for you," Kakashi retorts gently, joining him on the couch with the second book of Icha Icha in his hand.

"What kinda mission was it?" Asuka murmurs and leans against the man, heavily swallowing the wish to cry all the way down to the soles of his feet.

No. He won't cry again.

"We had to capture Tora again," the Jounin sighs, taking note of his friend's downright.. depressed look, "what about you?"

"Nothing really. Just...normal stuff going on. I'm alright," Asuka lies, very obviously so.

"I care about you," Kakashi says, and nuzzles the damp oat-coloured locks for some comfort.

"I-I know," the younger stammers, sounding choked up.

If he weren't wishing he were dead so badly right now, he might've been blushing at the words.

"You don't have to tell me anything, but I'm here if you need me," Kakashi reminds.

"I know," the ex-shinobi repeats.

Yasu hops off his lap and Asuka tucks his legs up to his chest, shifting to face the older man. He buries his face in the crook of Kakashi's neck, lips quivering pathetically. Kakashi wraps a warm arm around him and Asuka bites his tongue to stop the sob from escaping him. The warmth is overwhelmingly welcome.

"I-I can't sleep," Asuka whispers, and after a long moment, "I thought a-about k-killing myself today."

His eyes water, some kind of emotion that he can't recognize building in his chest like an avalanche. When Kakashi holds him tighter, the tears fall endlessly, silent as they soak into his clothes.

"I'm here. I'm not mad," Kakashi says, and Asuka cries a little harder.


	9. let me say it once more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains discussions of suicide
> 
> also, i love iruka, but he's a protective lil bitch and perfect for the job

Thinking honestly, Kakashi is worried. Yesterday wasn't a great day after he'd returned home. Asuka hadn't said anything else after telling him that he'd wanted to kill himself, and that was fine. He didn't need to elaborate on his thoughts ever, if he didn't want to, but Kakashi can't stop himself from being concerned for his friend. It's not as though they haven't had that kind of talk beforeㅡin fact, Kakashi has a pretty long record of the times he's had to stop Asuka from burning the skin off of his hand while baking and then make him discuss what was going through his mind before he acted. He doesn't enjoy doing that because it almost feels like an invasion of privacy, yet he knows it's better for Asuka to talk about his problems than bundle them up and keep them tightly sealed.

And aside from talking, Kakashi has no idea how else he could help Asuka without making it seem like he's trying to _solve_ the problems. God knows how frustrated _he'd_ get if someone tried solving his problems instead of listening. Obito attempted once, back then, around the time his father passed and Kakashi vaguely remembers beating him into the ground out of pure anger. So Kakashi has no plans to try solving anything. He knows that listening is probably the best way to help AsukaㅡGai, shockingly enough, told him thatㅡbut he still wants to find another way. Even if it's just for the constant nightmares Asuka seems to be having, Kakashi wants to help. Which, when he thinks about it, the younger man has never had a nightmare while they were settled on the couch together with Kakashi petting him. The Jounin discreetly furrows his eyebrows.

The act itself never comes up in conversation, so he has no way of knowing whether it actually helps or notㅡthough, it is a trustworthy theory. Kakashi would have no issues petting Asuka to sleep every night. His hair is often silky and smooth, even when it's oily and unwashed and straight from bed. Not that he would ever say that aloud. He's a bit too prideful for that. Gai suddenly comes into view, plopping himself in the seat across from him, and it's then that Kakashi remembers that he's in the Standby Station. It's packed today, filled with a couple Chuunin and many Jounin and all waiting for missions to do. Kakashi merely blinks at his _'Eternal Rival'_ and flips a page in his alleged porn. He hadn't been reading it for some time now.

"You look worried," Gai observes, quiet and _very_ unlike his usual self, "are you?"

"Yesterday was a bad day," Kakashi says, instead of answering properly.

It's basically code for _'Asuka said or did something and now I'm concerned'_ at this point. The taijutsu master nods, expression surprisingly seriousㅡhe's a great confidant when he needs to be, and Gai probably knows Asuka as well as Kakashi does with how often they discuss things or see each other.

"Was he having thoughts again?" Gai asks, leaning forward on his knees, and not in anticipation.

"We shouldn't be talking about this here," Kakashi deflects.

"Kakashi." The taller man almost never uses his actual name and it makes him stiffen a little in his seat. "Are you concerned for his _safety_?"

The Jounin sighs into his mask, snapping his book shut and pocketing it in his vest.

"I don't know," he answers honestly.

And he really doesn't. He's not sure if Asuka genuinely plans on killing himself one day. The thought brings a pit of anxiety and fear to his stomach. Kakashi doesn't know if he can handle Asuka killing himself too, not after his father. He doesn't want to think of the possibility of it coming true either. It makes him wonder if he should suddenly start bringing Asuka with him _everywhere_ , whether he's transformed or not. It'd make it easier to keep an eye on him, although it would undoubtedly be exhausting.

"Are _you_ okay?" Gai asks, thick eyebrows furrowing.

"I'm..." Kakashi doesn't want to admit he's scaredㅡ _terrified_ ㅡof Asuka dying. Not in this busy crowd of trained ears. "I don't need you worrying about me, alright? I'm not the one thinking of killing myself."

"Are you talking about Naruto?" Iruka butts in, and Kakashi nearly pulls a kunai out at his startling entrance.

"What about Naruto?" Kurenai calls from the other side of the room, suddenly curious.

"Is Naruto thinking of killing himself?" Iruka questions gruffly, ready to explode at the Jounin.

"No," Gai answers for Kakashi, stern, and stands from his seat, "we're not discussing Naruto. Kakashi, I'll stop by later to check in on him. Should I bring anything?"

"You know him. Something fluffy, probably." Kakashi shrugs, ignoring the beginnings of anger for Iruka assuming things.

Then again, Iruka's always had some form of attachment to Naruto and if no names are mentioned, he generally assumes they're talking about the boy. Eyes follow Gai out the door, astonished by the fact that he hadn't been full of life and referring to Kakashi as his Eternal Rival like normal.

"Who? If not Naruto? Is it Sasuke?" Iruka pushes, crossing his arms.

"Do I need to tell you everything about my private life?" Kakashi deadpans, voicing a clear warning in his tone.

"Is it your friend? The guy we briefly saw a few weeks ago?" Kurenai asks, and leans over the back of the couch she'd moved to stand behind.

Kakashi stares at her until she begins fidgeting, singular visible eye obviously unimpressed by her questions.

"He looked a little worse for wear when I saw him," Shikaku speaks up, from where he's playing shogi with Asuma, "but we shouldn't be butting in on Kakashi's and his personal business. It's troublesome."

"You _went_ to Kakashi's _house_?" Kurenai practically gasps, absurdity in her voice, like she didn't think Kakashi actually lived somewhere.

"One of the clan's deer was there," Shikaku says plainly, shrugging.

"Is she doing better now?" Kakashi immediately takes the offer to divert the conversation away from Asuka directly.

"She is. She's also been begging me to see him again. Told me their conversation was nice." Shikaku rolls his eyes, murmuring to himself as he counters Asuma's play.

"I'll let him know, then," Kakashi replies.

There's a moment of silence that the Jounin would consider blissful if it weren't for the fact that _everyone's_ attention is on him now.

"So, is your friend wanting to kill himself or something?" Kurenai tries again, and Kakashi clasps his hands together so hard it feels like he might break his fingers.

He stands and shoves them in his pockets to hide his rising anger. His temper isn't usually this short, but having them discuss such a topic this casually and invading his privacy is really not doing it for him today.

"I'm only going to say this once," Kakashi scoffs, tone cold and distant, "I'd appreciate it if didn't stick your heads into my personal life. It's annoying."

The silver-haired man strides out the door stiffly, slamming it shut behind him and heading down the hall. There's a trail of murmurs that follows his leave, echoing past the door annoyingly. He doesn't particularly care if they find his actions oddㅡhe cares about Asuka and talking about him killing himself makes his fears worse. Not only that, but Asuka _doesn't like_ being talked about by strangers and he's going to respect that wish. It's so disgusting that it almost brings bile to his throat, that they can talk about suicide like it's nothing more than casual chatter at a restaurant. The disgust remains as he exits the building and it has Kakashi frowning. He honestly has no idea _why_ they're all so _curious_. It's _annoying_.

He wishes they'd stop being so curious, goddammit.


	10. this was a disaster and i'm not doing it again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains panic attacks and mentions of sexual content

Asuka can't recall a time where Kakashi _willingly_ went to those gatherings with other Jounin, who drank their asses off and laughed and chattered loud enough to hear it from across the village. To say the least, he was surprised when Kakashi told him he'd be going to the one Anko was hosting. Not only was he going out drinking, something of which he generally did at home, but he was going out and _socializing_. Asuka knows that Kakashi is seen as fairly unsociable and introverted, and he knows first-hand how true that can be, so it's kind of amazing. It's like him leaving the house on his own, willingly. Well. Technically he'll be doing that in about thirty minutes, because he'd promised to pick Kakashi up from the bar, no matter how many people there were or how wasted he was. The thought brings a bubbling of anxiety with it.

It's not that he doesn't want to go pick Kakashi upㅡthat would make him feel like an irresponsible friendㅡhe's just not sure he can leave without having a panic attack. If he takes Yasu, it'll make his life harder because he'll probably be taking most of the Jounin's weight depending on how wasted he is. Asuka grumbles whinily, puffing his cheeks up at the idea. He knows what Kakashi is like drunk and it's rather embarrassingㅡhe gets more confident and flirty and aims it all at the poor animal lover and his heart can't handle it. He even uses endearments like they're lovers, and oh dear god, Asuka is suddenly regretting agreeing to picking Kakashi up. The man shakes his head and unravels himself from his blanket burrito. That'll be something he can deal with when the time comes.

Asuka heads over to Kakashi's room, glancing around the rather empty space like he'll get in trouble if he's caught, and tip-toes inside. He sneaks over to the dresser and tugs one of the _many_ navy sweatshirts he owns out. It's not as though the older man doesn't know he steals his sweatshirts, so Asuka shrugs and heads back to his own room. Pulling his turtleneck off, Asuka replaces it with Kakashi's and immediately snuggles into it. It smells like himㅡrain, fresh on the leaves of the brush and trees, and apples, crisp and cold. The scent brings a satisfied sigh past his lips and Asuka tugs his cardigan over the sweater. For once in his life, he's grateful that the sleeves of it are short and only come down to about mid-forearm. That means he can still drown himself in Kakashi's scent.

Okay. Now he can leave the house a little more confidently. Although, Kakashi will undoubtedly tease him for wearing his sweatshirt, no matter how wasted he is. Again, a drunk Kakashi is just _asking_ for his flirty side to come out. He flushes up to his ears, remembering the last time Kakashi drank. The Jounin had been in a particularly good mood, and thus had drank through four bottles of rice wine (way more than he should have, for a drink with such high alcohol concentration; we're talking twenty-five percent here). Asuka tasked himself to look after the man, but could hardly even move his head from his hands that had hid a prominent blush because all Kakashi would do was fawn about how _pretty_ his hair is, how _cute_ his expression is, how _adorable_ he looks in his sweaters. Of course, when Kakashi woke up the next day, he hadn't remembered a single thing so Asuka never brought it up.

He couldn't then, and he won't now. Because the only thing that Kakashi's words did was make his heart flutter and arousal churn in his abdomen. He'd never felt so ashamed to jack off over something after he made sure Kakashi was out cold in his bedroom. That's the biggest reason he'll _never_ tell Kakashi about what happened, because he's not sure he can say the gist of it without somehow revealing something humiliating.

"Okay," Asuka breathes, very much not ready to do this, "alright. It's just to Shushu-ya. Kakashi is there, waiting for you. You can do this, you have no reason to panic."

Steeling himself, Asuka heads into the living room and tries to ignore the trembling in his body. He gives Yasu a few nervous pets, then he's off, locking the door behind him. It takes a couple tries to get the key in this lock because his hands can't stop shaking. His heart pounds in his chest as he walks down the path and he presses the sleeves of Kakashi's sweater to his nose, inhaling the calming smell in an attempt to slow his panicking heart and body.

"It's okay," he tells himself, whispering to the cooling dusk air.

It feels like a lie. He sure as hell doesn't feel okay, especially when he enters the busier parts of the village. It's bustling with life, and the streets and shops and restaurants are lit up by lanterns and signs. Despite his anxiety, Konoha is actually quite pretty at night. Asuka turns down the street he and Kakashi had taken to get to Yakiniku Q, hands still covering the lower half of his face comfortingly. He dodges any kind of interaction with the passing citizens, silently praying that none of them touch him, not even brush his shoulder. Then, he's suddenly at the pub, standing in front of the noisy place. Asuka swallows thickly, dropping his literally _quaking_ hands and sliding the shoji open. Immediately, he's greeted with the overwhelming scent of alcohol and yakitori, which seems to be the most popular dish served here. He spots Kakashi's group, seated at the farthest corner from the door. His heart _drops_.

Asuka takes a silent breath in, pretends he's not having a panic attack and strides over to their table. Kakashi's sitting between Anko and Shikaku, both of which he recognizes (Shikaku from almost three weeks ago, and Anko for her famed snake bite). As expected, the silver haired man doesn't look drunk at all (to the normal eye, anyway), but his clumsy mannerisms and faint blush say otherwise. Kakashi twists in his seat, seeming to sense his friend's chakra behind him.

"Darling!" He practically cheers and Asuka's cheeks flare as the man rests his chin in his palm, setting his elbow on the back of the chair, "are you wearing my sweater?"

"You're wasted," Asuka deduces, trying his hardest to ignore the sly smirk Kakashi's got under his mask.

"You're wearing my sweater," Kakashi says, sounding pleased, "how cute."

Asuka squeezes his eyes shut momentarily so he doesn't smack the Jounin upside the head for turning his face into a tomato.

"L-Let's go," he fumbles, and tugs weakly at Kakashi's wrist.

Kakashi makes a noise something akin to disappointment and chugs the glass of sake he'd been holding in his other hand. The others are staring already, not nearly as wasted as the man before him, and it makes Asuka uncomfortable knowing that they're going to remember this. He's certain they can hear his heart, thundering in his chest, and see his hands trembling. In fact, his entire body is shaking. This is terrifying. Kakashi will pay.

"One more drink, sweetheart?" Kakashi complains, shifting his arm to interlock hands with Asuka.

The ex-shinobi's cheeks flush darker, all the way up to his ears. It's getting harder to breathe in here and it kind of feels like he's going to pass out.

"N-No." Asuka shakes his head and it only makes him feel dizzier, "'Kashi, you told me to-to pick you up at th-this time."

Words begin to fail him as the stares intensify and he eagerly avoids meeting them. He's gonna fucking cry. If he doesn't get the fuck out of here, he's going to have a genuine panic attack. Not that he's not already having one, though. It'll just be more intense and his limbs with probably lock up and he'll definitely humiliate himself.

"Ehhh.... Fine," Kakashi drawls, obviously disappointed, but stands anyway.

Asuka bows awkwardly at the others, face still crimson red, and drags Kakashi away. He feels their gazes even as they leave. Someone bumps into him and his shoulders go up to his ears in discomfort, breath stuttering in panic. Kakashi lets go of his friend's hand to sling the same arm over his shoulders and pull him close, and Asuka relaxes into the hold. He's drunk, very, very drunk, and still manages to spot when Asuka's uncomfortable.

"It's okay," Kakashi mumbles, hunching a little, "thank you for picking me up, baby."

"D-Don't call me that," Asuka whimpers.

He has no time for the arousal that seems to be ever prominent beneath his panic. They stumble out of the restaurant and into the cold night. It's so sudden that it sends chilled shivers down Asuka's spine and arms. Maybe he should have brought another sweater with him, even if his friend's warmth is helping, along with the unexpected (and expected) heat pooling in his abdomen.

"But you like it?" Kakashi mentions casually, observant as usual.

"N-No, I don't," Asuka denies, whining.

He ducks his head out of embarrassment and Kakashi's drunken gaze lands on his nape, which is probably just as flushed as his face is. Suddenly, Asuka is grateful for his baggy pants and baggy sweatshirt. He's not going to survive the walk if Kakashi keeps calling him endearments.

"There, there," Kakashi soothes, gently slurred, and pets his oat-coloured locks carefully, "be a good boy and calm down."

Asuka actually _trips on air_ at the spike of arousal that rushes right to his crotch from the words, biting his bottom lip so hard he's surprised it doesn't bleed because he doesn't want to make a peep. Kakashi steadies him as if he isn't the one who's drunk, eyes calculating the reaction curiously. The Jounin prays he remembers everything tomorrow because this is something he does _not_ want to forget.

"D-Don't s-say that," Asuka gasps, leading them down the street and onto the path that gets them home.

Fuck. He might actually have to jack off when they get home. Screw his anxiety for once, this is overwhelmingly better and he doesn't think he'll be able to stop thinking about tonight for a _long_ while. Kakashi must seriously be wasted. He's never been _this_ bad. Asuka almost laughsㅡit's far from _bad_. He's enjoying the random praise, but he can't just..take advantage of Kakashi's inebriation.

"Baby, you look really cute in my clothes. Wear them more often," Kakashi murmurs, resting his cheek atop Asuka's head.

"S-Stop it," Asuka replies shakily and covers the lower half of his face with his sleeves again.

He wonders what it would be like if Kakashi were sober. Would it be more arousing or more humiliating? The air quiets down as they walk through the forest, away from the noisy village center and all the terrifying people in it. Kakashi presses a kiss to the crown of his head and Asuka squeaks. _He's drunk_ , the ex-shinobi tells himself, _he's just very,_ ** _very_** _drunk. He doesn't actually want this_.

"Alright, alright," Kakashi relents, for now anyway.

Asuka finally relaxes, heaving out a silent sigh that takes his shaking with it. He prays to _god_ that Kakashi never gets wasted again. His poor heart can't take it anymore. When they get home, he's going to throw Kakashi at the washroom to wash up and then he's going to lock himself in his bedroom and never leave.


	11. oh dear lord, they remember

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains anxiety and mentions of panic attacks and sexual content

Blessings be above, Kakashi is out with his team of Genin today and Asuka couldn't be _happier_ to avoid the man. Because he was already gone when Asuka woke up, he has no idea whether Kakashi remembers last night, but he prays to _fuck_ that he doesn't. That would be a whole other level of humiliating and it makes it worse that he actually _had_ ended up succumbing to his arousal after the house went silent. There's no way he'd be able to keep a straight face and pretend that he didn't do it if Kakashi remembers and wants to talk. Asuka pushes his head into his hands and makes a strangled, anguished noise. Gai, who had dragged him out of the house and out of his mildly panicked depression over the night before, puts a comforting hand on his shoulder. He's honestly glad that Gai wasn't there.

If his memory serves him, only Anko, Shikaku, Choza, Inoichi, Asuma, and Kurenai were there. It's a bit hazy because he _was_ in the midst of a panic attack when collecting Kakashi's drunken ass, but he's fairly certain that was everyone. He knows they were all staring at him intentlyㅡafter all, some strange guy, clearly shaken and panicking, coming to pick up the famed Copy Nin who's known to be antisocial would be odd to see. Asuma and Kurenai saw him in passing, and Shikaku had a literal conversation with him (although an awkward one, at that), yet they still seemed curious. Shikaku less so than the other two, though. They'd all been looking when Kakashi pulled him close after someone bumped into him, listening when Kakashi called him endearments like it was normal for him to. God, it's _humiliating_.

Asuka wants to crawl into a big hole and rot away. He'll never be able to face anyone ever again. Sure, he embarrassingly _enjoyed_ Kakashi's drunken flirting, and _sure_ , he jacked off to it when he knew Kakashi was dead to the worldㅡbut, still. It was probably awful of him to do so and now it's kind of making him feel like he _took advantage_ of Kakashi, in a way. Ugh. Damn his stupid crush. Feelings should stop existing, then he wouldn't have to feel this sudden overwhelming guilt or be forced to deal with this dumb crush on a man that's not emotionally available. Asuka sighs miserably, dropping his hands and opting for tucking his legs up onto the bench in front of Amaguriama. Gai silently passes another manjū over for him to eat, seemingly thinking of what he should do.

"It's okay to indulge in yourself once in a while, Asuka," he says after a moment, "even if Rival was drunk."

"So, what... you're saying I should openly enjoy the fact that I basically took advantage of his inebriation?" Asuka deadpans.

Gai stares at him with an unusually dry expression, "no, that's not what I'm saying. Let yourself be _happy_ that Kakashi complimented youㅡand from what you've told me, nothing actually happened between you two, so that can't be classified as taking advantage of him."

"I don't deserve happiness," the ex-shinobi mumbles into his knees, taking a bite of the manjū.

"You've had a rough lifeㅡ"

"Not _that_ rough..." Asuka interrupts sourly.

"As I was saying." Gai gives him a faint glare, "you've had a rough life, and while it may not compare to some others, it's still been hard on you. I care about you and I care about Rival. I both wish you happiness, but your _'I don't deserve this'_ attitude needs to go first."

Asuka scoffs at him. Happiness is a fraud. God decided he wasn't meant to be happy the day his parents were massacred in front of him. It's pretty obvious that the world doesn't want him to be happy at this point, so he'll continue down that path because _that's_ what he deserves.

"Ah. It's Kakashi's boyfriend."

Asuka chokes on his manjū, face going the colour of mercury sulfide at the sudden appearance of Anko and her sudden words. She's holding just about thirty sticks of dango in her hands, true to the rumors. The animal lover hits at his chest, wheezing out heavy coughs that don't sound healthy at all and Gai cackles loudly.

"...Unfortunately, they're not dating, Anko," Gai mentions, once he's done with his laughing fit and the woman makes a noise of disappointment.

"Wh-What do you mean _'unfortunately'_?!" Asuka gasps weakly, still choking a little.

He's passed the cup of tea the taijutsu master had barely touched and downs it, only to throw it back at the man's face in silent revenge. His chest aches, both from where he punched it and from choking, and his lungs burn uncomfortably. Oh, well. That's something he's become accustomed to already. He breathes in through his nose instead to try to calm himself down, but finds that his heart is poundingㅡ _thump, thump, thumpthumpthumpthump_ ㅡwith the new addition to their conversation.

"Sorry," Anko says apologetically, "I didn't mean to make you choke. You're the guy that picked Kakashi up last night, yeah?"

"Y-Yeah." Asuka flinches, avoiding her eyes and instead staring at the ground like it's the most interesting thing he's ever seen.

"You two seemed close, that's why I assumed you were dating. Sorry. Actually, speaking of which, I don't think I've ever seen you before. Are you new to the village or something?" The kunoichi asks, plopping herself down on the bench casually.

"N-No, I've just.. I-It's been a-about fourteen years since I-I last left home," Asuka explains nervously, and Gai puts his hand back on his shoulder for friendly comfort, "'Kashi 'n I live together, b-but we're just friends."

His boots, legs having been dropped when he was choking, scrape at the dry soil. It slowly forms an indent in the path and he digs his boot harder into the dirt to make it deeper.

"Asuka has a weak immune system," Gai half-explains, skipping over the part about the fact that he also has severe general and social anxiety and has panic attacks anytime he thinks about leaving the house and has panic attacks anytime he _actually_ _leaves_ the house and has panic attacks anytime he comes into contact with strangers, conversation or not.

Wow. That sounds _pathetic_. Definitely a good idea on Gai's part. No one except the necessary people need to know how pathetic he is.

"I see... So, Kakashi gets flirty when he's drunk, then," Anko says, smiling darkly like she's discovered the world's treasure.

Asuka's cheeks bleed darker than before, and he puffs them out in a poutㅡa habit he's been trying to break for a while now. The snake kunoichi tosses her tenth empty dango stick into the nearby garbage can and begins on her eleventh. Her stare pierces into the side of his skull, burning with curiosity. Asuka tries to ignore it, and successfully distracts himself when a squirrel chitters at him from atop the tea shop, one out of the many in Tea Avenue, across from them. He blinks at it and it chitters again. A shy smile forms on his lips.

"Good afternoon to you, too," he greets, momentarily forgetting about Ankoㅡwho most definitely doesn't know of his heritage.

 **[Did ya happen to see a hunk of a squirrel pass by here, aya?]** She asks, expertly climbing down the side of the shop to dart in front of the ex-shinobi.

"I don't believe I did. Why are you looking for him?" Asuka replies, and bends his torso down a bit awkwardly to talk to her better.

 **[He took my last acorn, aya! I was so affronted I didn't see the way he went, aya!]** The little darling exclaims, chattering angrily.

"I see. Well, that wasn't very kind of him," Asuka hums, holding the half of manjū he didn't finish after a second of thought, "If you'd like, you can have this. I'm not terribly hungry at the moment, so I don't mind."

 **[Really?! Thank ya, aya! You're the best, aya!]** She cries, gratefully taking the manjū into her small paws.

"It's not a problem." Asuka smiles again and she runs off with her new-found lunch excitedly.

He sits back up, suddenly wishing Yasu were here so he could cuddle her. His focus returns to Ankoㅡwho's staring at him like he'd grown five headsㅡand Gaiㅡwho's giving him an almost exasperated look.

"Am I going crazy or did you just talk to a _squirrel_?" Anko asks dubiously.

"..Ahaha...ha..." Asuka's laugh dies down as he realizes his little mistake and he scratches the back of his head uncomfortably, "I-I'm able to t-talk to animals, yes."

"Is it a Kekkei Genkai?" The kunoichi gushes behind a mouthful of dango.

"P-Please don't tell anyone," he says quietly, and he drops his arm to fiddle with his fingers, eyes downcast.

"I'm not an asshole. Does Kakashi know, then?"

"He does," Asuka replies, but doesn't go into further detail.

"I as well!" Gai declares, flashing a sparkling grin in his usual fashion.

Silence takes over them and Asuka mulls over his thoughts. She hasn't mentioned anything on the others remembering last night, although she clearly does, so he's praying it's just Anko. Any more and he might spontaneously combust. Though, having Kakashi remember would be much, _much_ worse than the other shinobi remembering. It would undoubtedly signify the end of the world for Asuka. He'd have to lock himself up in a cave or something for the rest of eternity. Ugh. The thought of Kakashi keeping his memory of last night makes Asuka want to cry big, ugly, fat tears and wail like a child it's so humiliating.

"Oh, that reminds me," Anko suddenly gasps, perking up, "the others that were at the gathering are curious about your identity. Asuma and Kurenai said they briefly saw you at Yakiniku Q with Kakashi, and Shikaku mentioned that he talked with you for a bit, but the others had never seen you before."

 _Fuck Life_ _._ That's it, Asuka should just end it now to save himself the embarrassment. He makes another anguished noise similar to the one earlier and buries his head in his hands, cheeks and ears burning. They remember! They fucking remember!


	12. the river we used to frequent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains nothing!
> 
> i had a hard time writing this one and it's definitely not my favourite, but it is needed.

The river on the borders of the Suzuki Clan Compound is _their_ spot. It's always been theirs. Asuka can't remember a day he hasn't visited it with his dad. He grins childishly, gripping the two larger fingers grasped in his small hand tighter, and bounces with each step he takes. The empty apartments and houses don't really bother him anymoreㅡMama said that the rest of their clan watched over them in heaven, so he had nothing to fearㅡas eerie as they look, uninhabited and frozen in time. A flock of birds soar overhead and children's delighted squeals echo into the sky, and Asuka decides he'll commit this to memory forever. It's a good day. His dad sways their hands back and forth gently, humming a quiet tune that follows the swaying and creaking of the trees.

They pass through the silent village quickly, into the forest that creeps along the Compound's edges. Despite the river still being a ways away, Asuka can hear its babbling clear as day. He enjoys the sound, fallen leaflets and sticks crunching beneath his sandals. Nawaki smiles down at his son, pulling a thicket to the side for the child to step past with a practiced ease and leading him down the trodden path they've made with how often they visit the river. They take it easy, because Nawaki had promised that they'd hang out the whole day and that they had all the time in the world. And there's no reason to rush when nothing's happening. Asuka pats the trademark camphor tree they always pass by, trunk so wide it would take four people to wrap around it completely, and a little curved where it branches out into smaller boughs. Its leaves overhang a grassy patch and spotlights the sun rays at random.

Asuka's body burns and freezes, but it's a good day, so he's not going to let his stupid cold get the best of him. His breath wheezes with effort, lungs complaining over their predicament. He scrunches his face up and pauses in his footsteps to cough when the discomfort gets too much. It's still a good day, he tells himself.

"Pick me up, Daddy?" Asuka looks up at him with wide, innocent eyes, such a beautiful blue despite looking a little washed out, and Nawaki can't say no.

The nasally giggles he gets when he picks Asuka up with a heavily exaggerated groan and sways him lightly from side to side before setting him atop his shoulders is always worth the effort.

"You're getting heavy, bud," Nawaki laughs, "one day, I might not be able to pick you up."

"No!" Asuka squeals, digging his hands into sandy brown hair and kicking his legs out in protest, "Daddy's stwong!"

"My little peanut's as light as a feather!" Nawaki exclaims, marching between trees and skillfully shuffling down the small decline.

Asuka giggles again and reaches around his dad's head to squish his face, leaning forward excitedly when the river comes into view. Fatigue forgotten, he lights up at the sight of the rock they always sit at, covered in a thick layer of moss where it's submerged in the water. The river isn't very fast paced in this spot, and the water is shallow and clear enough he can see right to the bottom. Nawaki hops them over to the boulder, which is almost in the center of the river, and carefully lifts his peanut off his shoulders. He settles cross-legged and sets Asuka in his lap for safety, and the boy immediately leans over his thigh to get a better view of the water. His breathing is still coming out in rasping wheezes and Nawaki rubs his back gently, eyebrows furrowed in mild concern.

"Daddy!" Asuka gasps, voice pitched in excitement as he points down at the water.

Nawaki tilts to the side to get a better view, keeping a firm hold on his son. There, sitting at the riverbed, is an amago trout. It's not too large, would probably be a bit longer than the length from his wrist to his middle finger. A silvery-green colour runs along its spine and the top of its head and darker stripes decorating its sides, with a yellow-cream as a base, and red spots spattered throughout its entire body.

"That, peanut, is an amago trout," Nawaki says, righting himself again so they don't go tumbling into the water.

Asuka makes a fascinated noise and continues to watch the fish wriggle softly atop the stones and pebbles. He coughs once more, and coughs and coughs and coughs until he's breathing even heavier, but he keeps his eyes on the fish. Nawaki resumes rubbing his back, watching his son's flushed and dewy face adoringly. His expression is filled with an innocent happiness, and although he may be worried about the cold, it has Nawaki grinning from ear to ear, because his happiness it the most important thing on the planet.

Eyes snapping open, Asuka awakes gasping for breath. He's back home, no longer at the river, in bed and surrounded by his slew of stuffed animals. The blankets have been pushed down to his hips and his sweatshirt has ridden up to his armpits uncomfortably. He tugs it back down with a wriggle, calming his beating heart and panicked lungs. He tries to ignore the ache that comes with every dream about his dad and rolls onto his side. The wall, covered by a scroll that's been unraveled to reveal the Suzuki Clan Symbol, stares back at him blandly. Kakashi's warm chakra, fizzling gently with his Lightning Affinity, is already in the living room. Either the training with his Genin ended earlier than expected or Asuka slept longer than he thought he would. Sitting up, the ex-shinobi wipes at his damp forehead and swipes away any stray hairs that decided to stick to his warm face.

He coughs quietly and slips out of bed. The sweatshirt, which he now realizes is another of Kakashi's, falls down to his bare thighs, embarrassingly large on his thin frame. Not that he really caresㅡthe size difference between him and his secret crush has always been a thing he liked. Likes. Asuka slides the first pair of sweatpants he sees strewn across his floor and ties the waistband so they don't fall to his ankles every time he takes a step. He grabs the spare blanket that he must've kicked to the floor in his sleep and wraps it around his shoulders, searching for more warmth because even though he's sweating, it's still freezing. Damned colds. No wonder he'd been feeling so sluggish for the past few days after he officially met Anko in Tea Avenue. All the stress had gotten to him and thrown him into yet another cold that he's become so used to getting.

Asuka tugs his bedroom door open and shuffles out into the hall. He can hear Yasu nibbling on a toy and Kakashi's steady breathing, unlike his own rasping ones, alongside his even heartbeat. Of course, when he rounds the corner, Kakashi's got Icha Icha Innocence in his hands. He's spread out on the couch lazily and Asuka wants nothing more than to curl up on his chest and forget about everything.

"Home early," Asuka says, throat dry and mouth feeling a little tacky.

Kakashi looks up from his book, twisting his head around to meet his hazy gaze.

"I decided to end early. They spent a good six hours chasing after Tora," he replies with a half-shrug.

As far as Asuka's concerned, he doesn't remember The Night. Even amidst his exhaustion, nothing was suspicious about Kakashi's behaviour the morning after. He'd not shown any outward reaction upon Asuka mentioning it, nor did his heart spikeㅡhe'd not even perspired. Something about that made Asuka both relieved _and_ disappointed and he doesn't really want to think about the _why_ of that thought. 

"Mm," Asuka hums in response, shaking that same feeling of relief and disappointment off again.

If Kakashi does actually remember, he's just grateful the Jounin is kind enough not to talk about it or tease him. He's not entirely sure he'd be able to handle that kind of humiliation at the moment. Kakashi stares at him a second longer, and then pats his stomach in an invitation. The younger sucks his bottom lip into his mouth in thought. It's not like he hasn't curled up against Kakashi like this before, but it feels oddly different after The Night. Still. He doesn't really want to pass up on the offer of a lifetime. Asuka strays his eyes away from Kakashi's face as he shuffles over and gracelessly clambers between toned thighs, tucking his head into the muscled plain of Kakashi's stomach.

"You're on fire," Kakashi mentions, when he sets a hand on Asuka's sweaty forehead, "not feeling too good, then?"

"Not really," Asuka mumbles.

He pretends not to feel the _bulge_ pressing into his upper arm, because it's there (oh, god, it's there), and closes his eyes. It's better to pretend like Kakashi's dick doesn't exist. Things won't be awkward if he does.

"I'll have Gai bring you some porridge," Kakashi says, running what he hopes is a soothing hand through oat locks.

Gai does make a _mean_ porridge.

Asuka settles into sleep rather quickly, still quite exhausted from the build up of his anxiety. It's dreamless this time, a simple abyss that he welcomes with wide arms because at least it's not a nightmare or another one of his dad (not that he minds those ones, but sometimes he just doesn't want to dream about the past).


	13. how you really catch a cat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains nothing!
> 
> had a big brain moment while writing this. i couldn't remember that agreement was a word and wrote agreeance instead, and then wondered whether that was a word or not.
> 
> apparently agreeance is an actual word, but hasn't been used much since the 19th century and agreement is its equivalent.
> 
> also, i'm writing this on wattpad to eventually cross-post and wattpad decided to crash in the midst of writing this o.o
> 
> nothing was lost, thank fuck, but it sent me into a panic attack because i actually like this chapter and i would cry if i had to rewrite it.
> 
> i had a hard time thinking up how asuka and team 7 would meet for the first time, but i think i did okay with it. we're finally crossing into episode territory with this chapter and the next!

Birds chitter noisily amongst one another, and the sun beats down heavily against the treetops. The cicadas buzz to life, cricketing all around. The tree bark beneath Kakashi's hand creaks ominously as he leans forward on the bough, eyes squinting in search of the target. Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura are a few meters away from him, plastered against their own trees in a way that allows them to peer around the trunks. Kakashi vaguely wonders how Tora managed to escape just over two weeks after they'd captured her the first timeㅡthen, he wonders how tight of a leash Madame Shijimi keeps on the damned cat, because it feels like it's an invisible leash, if anything. The thicket rustles up ahead and Kakashi spots his cute Genin tensing in anticipation, silently praying it's their target so this doesn't end up being another six hour chase. 

Blessings above, a cat-shaped figure jumps through some brush and into a clearing filled with sun spots. The students dash forward, swift and quiet, to a cluster of trees five meters away from their target. Kakashi presses a hand to his earpiece as the three notify him that they're all ready to capture Tora on his word. Something like dread fills his stomach when he gives them the okay and they pounce at the cat. Naruto's triumphant cry turns into frustration, loud enough to disturb the nearby birds, as Tora manages to slip through his hold on the cat's midsection. He falls forward clumsily in hopes to save face, but it does nothing to keep Tora from immediately running. Sakura shrieks in anguish and scrambles to follow him, while Sasuke growls Naruto's name like he's the enemy and chases after Sakura. Kakashi presses a hand to his face for a moment, before following in suit and sticking to the treetops.

It doesn't take too long for Naruto to catch up with them, face twisted into annoyance, and Kakashi can't help feeling his own agreeance to the Jinchūriki's expression. It would be rather un-ideal to chase Tora for unending hours again. He prays that it doesn't come to that, because he's not sure he wants to get home looking like he'd had a building collapse on him. Leaves and twiggy branches whip past his face, trembling and bristling with his pace to keep up with the surprisingly swift cat. Kakashi wonders if his speed comes from escaping so often and getting hunted down by shinobi, only to be handed to a fairly terrifying lady. Not that he'd ever say that to Madame Shijimi's face, that Tora obviously dislikes her overbearing-ness and would probably prefer eating out of trash cans than getting crushed to death by one of her hugs.

Kakashi is so focused on capturing Tora that he doesn't even realize they're approaching his house until a hand darts out and snatches the target up with an envying amount of ease. Naruto skids to a stop, and Sasuke and Sakura almost crash into him with the abruptness of it. Kakashi himself nearly slips off the branch he's on, hair growing damp beneath his hitai-ate. He jumps down once he's caught his breath and immediately understands what just happened. Of course Asuka has the ability to snag the trickiest cat on the face of Earth and actually make it _purr_ with in seconds of coming in contact. The man has to actually swallow a laugh at the image it creates. Naruto clearly doesn't appreciate it, jaw dropped and eyebrows scrunched up with a sort of frustrated determination.

Asuka, in all his adorable glory, stands just outside of their fenced garden with a thick blanket wrapped over his shoulders, hiding the sweatshirt that is definitely not his and his house pants. He's got his hair tied back, as usual, and Tora's settled in his arms without any signs of fuss or distress. Yasu's at his feet, propped up on her hinds curiously to see what all the commotion is about, and Kakashi entertains the thought of picking her up so she doesn't feel left out.

"How'd you do that?!" Naruto screeches, pointing at the poor man accusingly.

"...I picked him up?" Asuka says awkwardly, like it's the most obvious answer, "it really wasn't that hard."

Pride fills Kakashi when he doesn't stutter at all and seems to ignore the pretty coral painting his cheeks.

"Wasn't hard?! Lady, we've been tryna capture this stupid cat for three hours!" Naruto complains, throwing his hands up in the air in what appears to be childish exasperation.

"I'm actually a man, but thank you?" Asuka squints and tilts his head, like he's not entirely sure why he's saying thank you.

Sasuke crosses his arms, and Kakashi catches the relief in his sinking shoulders that they won't have to chase Tora anymore. Sakura looks kind of like she's got some sort of inner monologue going on, so he decides to leave her be for the moment and turns back to Asuka and Naruto. The Jinchūriki looks about ready to implode at the less than shocking revealㅡhonestly, how does he do it? Asuka doesn't dress even remotely feminine, and while his voice is definitely soft and his face isn't very masculine, he's clearly a man. Rolling his eyes fondly, Kakashi steps around his cute Genin and bends down to pick Yasu up.

"Are you okay with carrying Tora back with us? While I'm sure none of them want scratched up faces and arms and a struggling cat, they wouldn't be too inconvenienced by it," Kakashi murmurs, leaning in close for only Asuka to hear despite it not necessarily being a private matter.

He simply doesn't want to force the man into going with them and cause an unneeded panic attack. God knows how much of a challenge this past month and a half has been for him, and he really doesn't need anything making it worse.

"I don't mind." Asuka gives him a beautiful smile that seems to just _radiate_ the sun, and fuck, if Kakashi isn't whipped. "If it's just to the Academy, I think I can handle it. You know I'd let you know if something was happening."

Kakashi scritches gently behind Yasu's floppy ears and he feels her teeth chatter relaxedly, "I know. I just think you don't need any more shit going down for a bit."

"I'll say," Asuka chortles, and it's the most adorable thing Kakashi has ever heard in his life.

He turns back to his students, who are, shockingly enough, waiting patiently for him to finish his conversation. Who knew they had it in them to be patient? Especially Naruto. Patience is nonexistent in him. Yet here he is, scuffing at the ground with his sandals and hands shoved into the pockets of his hideous orange jumpsuit.

"Great!" Kakashi cheers suddenly, startling the three as he spins on his heel to face them, "let's get going, then. We've made the Daimyo's wife wait long enough."

Sasuke's the first one to turn and head down the path, matching Naruto with his hands in the pockets of his shorts, and Sakura follows close behind, chattering at the poor boy noisily. Naruto squints at them for a few seconds, but eventually jogs to catch up with his teammates. Once they're a ways away, Kakashi lifts the blanket from Asuka's shoulders and strides over to the door. He doesn't bother putting Yasu inside with it, fetching his keys from his pocket and single-handedly locking the door with practiced ease. He adjusts his grip on the rabbit to better account for his second hand and then they're off, following after the Genin.

"Let me know if you get cold," Kakashi murmurs.

"Well, I'm always cold," Asuka jokes, "but, I will, don't worry. It's bearable right now."

The only girl of the team hangs back when her advances on Sasuke fail and she folds her hands together behind her, staring curiously up at Asuka.

"So, what's your name? Are you and Kakashi-sensei friends?" She asks, pink hair fluttering with a gentle breeze that does nothing to deter the heat of the sun.

"We are, yes. Not that he'd ever admit it." Asuka smiles gently and Kakashi nudges him with his elbow, rolling his eyes again. Sakura giggles quietly. "My name is Asuka."

He's kind of surprising himself here, with how well he's managing talking to the Genin. It makes him wonder why he can't get a simple sentence out without stuttering when it comes to other Jounin or Chūnin. Children are _way_ harder to communicate with, _and_ they're always bouncing all over the place with never-ending energy.

"It's nice to meet you," Sakura says pleasantly.

"Likewise," Asuka hums, adjusting Tora in his arms.


End file.
